Friday, February 14, 2014

I'm not your keeper, no farewell sister

It turns out I will be hanging out on the airwaves tonight, playing various and sundry tunes, wondering why I feel so tensed and maybe it's just the tiredness, who knows.

 It seems like everyone's been on edge, and I don't know if it's the weather or a holiday that reminds us not so much of love so much as our lack of, or what it is. 

I got an email about something so trivial and stupid I almost didn't believe it was serious and then a second and third about the same thing that only made it more absurd. I've been clumsy when I've messed up too but I don't understand how such banal and unmalicious things set people off so much.

 Even trying to sort it out in person doesn't go so well, because I just can't get apologetic, because I just want to pretend it didn't happen because it means that little. And I'm the kind of person who says sorry for way more things than I should.

My friends who've gotten married aren't happy, they feel like roommates, what they want is different, they are disconnected from each other and now have that extra degree of obligation. They're trying, but there's that mess of living together, of feeling overwhelmed with work and debt that seems to be pulling down everything.

My friends who aren't attached are testing the OKCupid waters, weeding out the obvious freaks from the ones who reveal themselves to be freakos on the second or third date. They tell me I should try it, but it sounds awful.

And yet this spinning our wheels, this can't be the best thing, this can't keep going on. I shouldn't stress about what doesn't matter, but sometimes I can't help it. I don't know why I second-guess when there's no reason to. I don't want to delude myself into thinking this year is any different than any other. I don't want to expect anything I shouldn't so I get pre-emptive. I don't want to expect anything different.

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