calm down come down

It's been awhile since I coffeeshopped here, in a place that reminds me of a hippie hideout somewhere along the Silk Road before it was wracked with little dictators and civil wars, cardamom sludged coffee and Libyan-style tea, jazz music, fresh flowers, cushions, oud music and a woodburning stove.

I've been having creative writer's block for a few months now. Ideas evaporate before they can brew, and I'm left with fragments, shards of creative spark like barely glowing coals that I'm unable to breathe life back into enough to warm into something worthy. I tweak the little bits, honing them more finely before I add anything more. I'm sure if I get back into the routine, it'll begin to flow again.

There has been too much on the periphery that it's hard to escape into the realms of the imaginary. Of questioning as always, seeking moments of clarity, struggling with watching others fall apart. It's hard to want to change things or see things change and know there's nothing I can do but attempt in my own inadequate human way to love and do whatever love means in action.

love is on the air

I did my show this morning, and while I didn't get any calls, I got an emailed request from Randal for some White Stripes and the Queen of the Bondo requested some Harry Nilsson, which the DJ after me coming in said reminded him of when he got his heart broken. I ended with this song, because it rocks my world. Seeing Sleater-Kinney on their last tour before they broke up is probably in my top five shows I've seen of all time (Dead Meadow opening was fantastic as well).

Happy Valentine's Day kids. Or Lupercalia, if that's your thing.

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Love Burns
REM - The One I Love
The Buzzcocks - Love You More / What do I get?
Neil Young  & Pearl Jam - Act of Love
the Breeders - Do You Love Me Now?
the White Stripes - A Martyr of My Love for You
the Pentangle - A Maid That's Deep in Love
The Cure - Love Song
PJ Harvey - Send His Love to Me
Portishead - Glory Box
U2 - Love is Blindness
Mark Lanegan - Wedding Dress
The Gutter Twins - I was in love with you
Fugazi - Do You Like Me?
The Duke Spirit - You Really Wake Up the Love in Me
Garbage - Why Do You Love Me?
The Gits - Social Love
Nirvana - Love Buzz
Faith No More - Underwater Love
Jawbox - I've Got You Under My Skin
Jimi Hendrix - May This Be Love
Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
X - Burning House of Love
Wild Flag - Romance
Mudhoney - Overblown
50 Foot Wave - Somebody to Love
The Raveonettes - That Great Love Sound
Harry Nilsson - Without You (request)
Sleater-Kinney - Let's Call It Love

find my nest of salt, everything's my fault

So I wonder if my love is conditional when the heart is full of more exasperation than forgiveness and even if God is love perfected there was a whole lot of destruction bound up in that too that I just can't wrap my head around. Sorry Francis of Assisi, it's damn hard to sow love in the mire of hatred without coming way too close to being sucked in.

We all could play the blame game, the primary competition in the Suffering Olympics. Who hasn't felt burned, who hasn't borne the brunt of someone else's casual cruelty. Even the worst among us still has feelings, but those feelings are no absolution.

I apologize for what I said, not expecting acceptance or reconciliation or even anything resembling love. To continue to exist there needs to be some degree of truth and mutual owning up, which doesn't always happen. I crave resolution but that can only come when both entities are willing to own up. I do the best I can, but if you're not moving, we can't meet halfway.