Tuesday, May 20, 2014

festive and restive

Of setting off the fire alarm (good thing that it works I guess) while grilling pineapple in the kitchen with Neighbor, of waking up feeling awful and rolling back over to sleep off the mess for another four hours, of drinking ginger beer on the balcony and conversation, of Asian festival festivities with a few of my social worlds converging in one place, of birthday parties and bicycle rides, of being thankful for the untethering, that life will continue, because if the last four years have taught me anything, it's to let things come and go with ease.

A group of us went down to the river for Alice in Chains last night, and while the sound quality took a little bit of time to right itself, we basked in the glow of the bridges and lights, noshed on snacks, and indulged our love of 90's-era angst, singing along to our favorite songs, shaking our fists at the unused train rolling through, and just enjoying a night of free entertainment on the dirty banks of the Cuyahoga.

And this morning I played songs of catharsis, most of which were in the previous entry and it felt good.

Friday, May 16, 2014

eat my dust.

Redacted rants substituted by passive-aggressive folkies who say it better than I could, plus bonus extra tunes..

it's gonna be sudden
it's gonna be strange
i'm gonna turn on a dime
give you 5 cents change
it's gonna be long
it's all gonna come out
out of me, on to you

out of me
on to you

one of these days you're gonna push too hard
we'll go on like we've always done
till you go too far
one of these days it's gonna reach the top
then it's gonna start to spill
and it's not gonna stop

out of me
on to you...

no more

some people wear their smile like a disguise
those people who smile a lot watch the eyes
i know cause i'm like that a lot
you think everything's okay
it is till it's not

out of me
on to you...


Thursday, May 15, 2014

waking up and getting up has never been easy...

I don't know if it's the rain or the ennui or the fatigue. I woke up not feeling like rolling out of bed and going to work, getting here is fine, the ritual of caffeinated beverage and big riffs, getting things done feels all right. The attempt to walk it off feels unsuccessful, maybe it's the relentless rain. Maybe it's the realization of other things.

I woke up angry this morning, replaying the events of last night, which started out out amazing, but which soured by the end of the night when basic shit like chivalry and seeing me home end up being cancelled out by too much booze affecting the other parties involved and other factors which led to me probably getting more angry than I ever have in my life and letting my feelings be known with a hefty dose of FCC-unapproved language. I shouldn't have to shame someone into doing the right thing. It's not because I'm crazy or jealous or bossy, it's pretty much a can you keep your word and can I please care about my basic safety. I am now reconsidering everything about the friendship and pondering grace and forgiveness and also trying to be rational about my frustration and resentment at always being the heroine and the strong one and the hardass when I know my vulnerability and it makes me feel profoundly alone, angry, and constrained.

People who think bike culture is a viable substitute for cars in gentrifying urban areas are almost undoubtedly not single females who view cutting back alone through almost-hoods as a recipe for being a potential crime statistic.

Dammit, I'm pissed.

Monday, May 12, 2014

your wants make me nervous

The tiredness has kicked in, attempting to extricate oneself from plans, because it's Monday and I'm exhausted already. This weekend was diner food and helping a friend move, an amble through a hipster craft fair full of stuff that all looks mostly the same and artisan ethnic food where the dudes were walking around wearing giant vintage cameras around their necks like Flava Flav does clocks, and there was so much seeing and being seen and general overpriced tchotchkes that we left relatively quickly for sportsballing and snarking far from tiaras and way-too-expensive trust fund home furnishings.

I gave props to all the ladies of my life, am super-hyped about seeing Failure in Detroit in a couple of weeks, worked in the garden and had a laundry night with Neighbor up the street at the laundromat where we washed loads of work clothes and black band t-shirts, ate junk food and sang Dead Milkmen songs and made up blues songs and loitered in the parking lot as the machines spun around. Something about the laundromat makes you feel like you're not all that well off even if you're doing reasonably okay given the circumstances.

All the caffeination took awhile to wear off and I woke up sleepy this morning, thinking about how I'd rather be out in the garden than getting a stiff neck, wondering why I commit to things at all, and being all the more relieved that my life is not tied to some goofball even though I don't want to live alone in an apartment forever and the concept of solo homeownership is profoundly intimidating. I just need the brain to slow down, and to plant my peppers and eggplants, and read some more books and remember to slow down. 

Friday, May 9, 2014

the thin lines

What's the difference between love and lust? 
He asks me this as we're sitting at my kitchen table, thinking about going to see Slint, but deciding we could save the money and take in the beauty of a warm spring night on my porch instead, talking about love and life and what we're reading and what we're thinking about.

sometimes it's good to know that guys feel just as lost about this stuff as we do... I say this, laughing that they sometimes google these existential questions too for lack of someone to talk to .  We are so strange.

 I don't have a good answer initially, in part because we were in such murky waters for that time and are no longer there and I don't want to say too much because of the motivations I've so often questioned and the ambiguities that were unanticipated. We are firmly back on the ground of friendship, which allows for more honesty and less awkwardness and I return to my usual more candid self.

And then I wake up this morning thinking about this question. That we all have lust if we're honest with ourselves, that our love is imperfect. But that maybe the main difference between the one and the other is that the one involves acting on a taking of pursuing one's own pleasure and happiness whether or not that leads to the happiness of the other, perhaps a mutual taking for that reason, and the other is borne out of a mutual giving that leads to receiving what we've desired. Sometimes one in the relationship is motivated by one or another, and our imperfect ways of relating mean there's a little bit of both. I tell him this, and he says he agrees, but I wonder if he understands what I mean.

Monday, May 5, 2014

solar dip

There are redacted thoughts, that may have been spilled ten years ago but discretion says not so much. Strange what crossed signals are sent, that is all, and nothing too major. I will answer the phone for anyone at 3am if they're in a jam, I've learned, and it's nice when someone buys you breakfast as a thank you, and it feels good to be making art again with acquaintances turning into friends.

 Neighbor came over and told me that the chandelier lighting ceremony was stupid, as we knew it would be. Because nothing says provincial-as-heck like having a "World's Largest" something. We drank High Lifes and ate egg rolls and laughed, and I can't remember what genius ideas we came up with now but they were genius, for sure. 

Meanwhile an art gallery got raided the same night for not having a booze permit. I don't know enough to comment either way but it's all ridiculous.

Sportsball was rained out, but some good folks had us over for a cookout and we listened to bluesy whiteboy music of the best kind (Zeppelin maaaan) and then there was frisbee-throwing at the park and me and Tangerine took off because she wasn't feeling good and chilled by the beach for a bit because the sunset was gorgeous and talked about the general confusion of growing up and getting older, and realizing that our tendencies aren't always healthy. I guess it's good to know these things though I would have thought we'd have more figured out by now.

And some friends from church got married yesterday and asked me to take photos of their wedding which filled me with trepidation because usually I shoot things that are outside that don't move and this is kind of a big deal. But the light was good enough, and I got some beautiful shots of everyone mingling together and the ceremony.

I got all sappy watching everyone laugh and eat good potluck food together, because we all come from such different places and are together here with God and mutual friendship in common. Some of us had normal suburban existences and others grew up in crackhouses and shelters but we're all eating together, celebrating together, laughing together, everyone's kids are running around together and it feels so beautiful and right.

Neighbor and I wandered down to the lake and up the street for pizza and coffee, sat at tables outside overlooking the street and realizing we look like a pair of damn hipsters with our lattes and band shirts, before wandering back down to the lake to watch the sunset and snarking about overly earnest causes that seek to remedy the inevitability of human nature. Life is strange and beautiful.