your love affair has got to go

My mom called me this morning and asked where I'd been most of Easter afternoon, after visiting my uncle in the nursing home where he gave me a bag of werther's originals and talked about the state of the world, which given the diet of talk radio, of course isn't very good. I don't really know what to say and it seems he doesn't either, so I watch the clock and then make an exit. I feel like every time I've taken initiative and tried to visit the lonely ones, it never seems to do any good.

I went to the woods and walked around and spilled my thoughts to God and immersed myself in the world of wind and new leaves and water. I came face-to-face with a deer and it startled me so much to see those eyes gazing straight into mine. I stood there frozen for a moment, and then was amazed that the other four didn't run away when I unzipped the camera pouch (left my camera in the car, sorry for the lack of visuals) and started shooting. Then they ran away through the underbrush across the creek and I walked back, drove home and slept, walked, planted and rearranged the containers on the back porch for when I'll be able to start growing things before attempting to exorcise the writer's block and everything else.

There are other things, sometimes it's overwhelming to be around the loved ones as much as I love and enjoy them. I worry to death about her, the way I see her get more furtive, watching her continue the self-destruction, watching her lose respect among her friends, knowing that she's not going to grow up and figure things out if she doesn't move out, but I doubt her ability to take care of herself or figure it out. It kills me knowing that her beauty is the only thing she really sees about herself and pours her time and money into and yet she's doing all these things that are only going to burn her out at the rate she's going. She laughs at me when we go out and I have a cup of coffee and she's drinking multiple beers but I'm thinking about work the next morning, of trying to drive home and besides I'm tired and can't do the late nights like I used to.

She dressed up as Amy Winehouse for Halloween a few years ago before things got worse, and I wonder if it was strangely prophetic. She won't do rehab, she swears there's no problem even though she disappears sometimes. I look at pictures like these and read these stories and listen to my despairing dead junkie music and I'm afraid this is the way she's going. It's already happened to other family members, it's come very close to happening to some of my friends. I feel bad for being angry, but it's more knowing I can't stop someone's trajectory if their heart is set on it.