Friday, February 22, 2013

best of the blotter: weird looking fools, bodacious women, and Van Halen

So the local suburbs have been bereft of strangeness as of late, but by the good fortune of the Google, I've stumbled across the Call and Post blotters, which serve the three major cities of Ohiostan. The combination of colloquialism and general lack of innocent-until-proven-guilty objectivity make the most banal of city crime a bit more interesting.  A few of the more tame examples.

Who in the hell shot John and Jamon at the Motorcycle club: On Feb. 10, at 3:15 in the morning, a big argument broke out between some dudes in the Toros Motorcycle club over on East 5th Avenue.  During the argument some clown pulled out a pistol, began firing and some shots hit John and Jamon in the legs. Dang! It could have been worse, and both fellas were taken to a nearby hospital and treated for their injuries. The matter is under investigation.

A tall goofy White man tried to snatch Sarah’s pocketbook: Around 11:26 p.m., on Feb.14, Valentines Day, a young lady named Sarah Shepherd pulled into the Speedway Gas Station at East Dublin and Grandville Road. As she was getting back into her car after pumping her gas she said a tall White man ran over and tried to pull her out of the car and when he couldn’t he punched her and then tried to snatch her pocketbook. The suspect is a tall White man, about 30, with a receding hairline that went all the way back to his ears. If 
you know this weird looking fool, tell on him by calling Crime Stoppers at (614)645-4665.

A big, bodacious woman found her stolen car and took it back: On Jan. 15, around 10:15 pm, a woman named Rhonda, who lives in the 1800 block of Crawford Road, called police and reported that she had found her 1998 Ford that had been stolen and that she had taken it back from them damn thieves. She said that she just wanted to report that she recovered her car and ain’t no need for ya‘ll to continue to look for it.  A car was sent out to close out the missing auto report.

Rotten rogue robs family of all their Christmas stuff: You got to be a low-down, dirty crook to break in somebody’s house on Christmas Eve and steal all of their presents. This is an unconscionable bastard and he should be in locked up forever. Back on Dec.24, at 4:30 p.m., it was reported that a rogue had kicked in the back door of a house onSouth Roys Avenue, and took all the family’s gifts. Please! If you know something say something and call Crime Stoppers and get paid. 

 Anyways, back to the burbs...

CONSPIRACY COMPLAINT, LAKEWOOD HEIGHTS BOULEVARD: A man called shortly after 8 p.m. on Jan. 25 stating he wanted to show officers a smear mark on his hallway walls. The mark leads to the back door, and the man said it had been there since he moved in three months ago. He was worried it was linked to an unsolved mystery in the city. Officers reassured the man that it was just a smear mark.

A couple was arrested after their argument over who was the greatest guitarist of all time became so heated that Motel 6 staff was forced to call the Brook Park police.
The boyfriend was screaming on behalf of Slash, lead guitarist for Guns and Roses. The girlfriend was jumping for Eddie Van Halen, namesake of ’80s rockers Van Halen.
When police arrived, they calmed down and agreed to be quiet. However, their names were run through a database that revealed they had outstanding warrants in other cities. Both were arrested.

Uh, Thanks But No Thanks
Workers at the Salvation Army store on Pearl Road came across an unusual donation in their bin Feb. 5 -- plastic-tipped bullets from the 1960s.
They gave them to the police to be disposed of.

A dangerous disturbance
A woman in the 2200 block of Bunts Road told police that kids were jumping off the roof of her neighbor’s home into a snow pile at around 5 p.m. Feb. 4. Officers showed up and told the kids to stop. No injuries were reported.

1 comment:

  1. Zombie Robert Stack begs to differ with Lakewood Heights law enforcement.