sapped

My landlady and I ripped out more crawling vines and weeds from the back yard, freeing up the berry bushes, restoring some order, it felt cathartic to do that, and vaguely metaphorical given all the other thoughts bouncing around, because so many things ultimately weary me, the sheer not knowing what to do at any given time of wanting to say things that would ultimately be pointless or rock the inertia with which we've grown comfortable.

Is the lack of being social sometimes a reflex to the sense of rejection? The cruel ironies of social networking showing off everyone's business is when you plan something, and everyone but one says they can't make it or doesn't respond at all and then you find out that a few of them hung out together without you and you feel like you're in high school again, because there's too much connection and why upset that balance that could topple the relationships between us that are honest? I'd rather not bother with trying to think too much about it, because sometimes things cycle back around, and sometimes they exist in this ambiguity which I guess is better than open hostility.

And so I end up reading books, watching a movie, playing guitar and painting, which isn't bad, but the sting is still there a tiny bit, the feeling of f--k this already, and it makes me less inclined to bother with others where there isn't even a modicum of trust yet.

So yeah, back to the daily grind, and the two weeks of housesitting which will afford much in the way of canine companionship and also the creature comforts of window unit air conditioning. I'll try not to think about the rest and drown it with song instead.